Thrown Back into the Habit

It's been a while since I've last posted, I know; but I warned you didn't I? That I'd be on Christmas vacation and not so interested in the virtual world (as it wouldn't be keeping me from my studies at that time).

But here I am, again. And tonight I am a little sad. Not as sad as I was when I first got back, or at least, not as emotional.

Katherine and I watched that movie The Lovely Bones earlier. I'd seen it before, the tragic story of a girl who is killed by her neighbor and her watching her own life after she's gone. The first time I read it I was sad, the first time I saw it I was sad, but somehow the second time I just watched it made me really upset.

The movie revolves around family a lot, and that's the problem. It's like whenever I see something having to do with family and being together I get all upset. I know this won't go on forever, but it's still very annoying.

I was home for a total of 3 1/2 weeks over the holiday... which proved to be a bit too long apparently, because I was just thrown back into the habit I'd been trying to kick for the past 3 months since I moved- needing my family to be happy.

Over the break we went to my cottage for Christmas with some cousins, it turned out to be a really nice time. I'd choose a winter wonderland over mucky Toronto for Christmas day anytime. We have three snowmobiles there that we've been riding for almost three years now, and there have really been no accidents to date.

We went out on boxing day for a drive around the lake: me on one snowmobile, my mum on one and Tom & Molly sharing one. The roads were icy, but we were being careful.

While going up a big hill, Mum in the front, me following and Molly & Tom far behind, my mum turned at the top and started to fishtail. She hit the brakes and immediately the snowmobile rolled on it's side, doing a full turn until it was upright again. Luckily my mum rolled out from under it before it fell on top of her, but it felt like everything that I just saw took years to happen. I was watching my mother get out from under a 600 pound machine and there was nothing I could do about it.

She hurt her ankle, not badly, but we're lucky that's all that happened.

The point of this story is, when that happened, all I could think about was how little I'd seen my mother over the past three months. Had anything serious happened, I would've felt so guilty having chosen Montreal instead of staying in Toronto where I could be close to her, and the rest of my family and friends who I miss. I miss them every second of every day and it's so difficult.

From watching The Lovely Bones and seeing the family missing their fifth member, these feelings flooded me and I just got so upset.

I always thought that I was the strongest, most independent one of my siblings, and that when Molly would cry about going back to residence 6 blocks away, she was insane. I figured I'd move away, miss everyone and move on- it didn't exactly work that way. Now look at me: it's quarter to one in the morning on a Sunday and I'm left writing sad blogs about being lonesome.

I promise I'll stop whining soon, maybe after first year... maybe after third year, actually.

To end on a happy note, I don't regret moving to Montreal, I really do love it here. What I regret is not being able to see the people I love more than anything on a daily basis. But this is all normal (or, that's what I'm told) so I'm gonna stick it out in my new home.

Goodnight.